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Essay: "Too Close for Comfort"by Jonathan Hooper I cannot relate to that statement... Maybe I can better say too far for comfort. And I can't say what comfort is anymore. It's been forever since I had a "taste" of comfort. From the day I was born into this world, I've lived in negligence. In order to know of something, you have to have experienced it. I was an outsider in my family. I wasn't given love as a child should get, especially from his mother. I was thrown out my house by my mother at 12 years old. In and out up and until I was 14 which would be the last time she threw me out. From there, I was locked up in Juvenile then taken into Child Protective Custody. Then boot camp at 16 " till I was 18 and I was released then. So the first time I felt comfort was when I met my first girlfriend, Isabel Gamino. I fell in love without even intending to. And I realized something when I held her in my arms, that this whole time I've been dead inside my heart. And I was finally alive. She was all the people I never had in my life. A mother, sister, grandmother, aunt, friend, and lover. But as inexperienced as I was, I didn't know how to keep her. My foolish ways and insecurities pushed her away. The only time I finally ever existed was with her. Once she was gone I ceased to exist. It was funny how when I got with her I forgot all my past childhood and abuses. And once gone I was walking back into a room I forgot once existed. I fell in love, and when I landed, I landed in my own solitude and fell to pieces. And I've gone numb. I've tried and tried to fill the emptiness inside of me, but it's been a vain effort. It's not that she was the stone that knocked it all down. It's been life in general. There is no comfort to be found in here and for me there also is no comfort to be found out there. My closest friend and one who has never betrayed me is my shadow. Maybe the closest to comfort would be if someone wrote me and acknowledged my existence. Too close for comfort is too far away. I am only a candle light slowly burning out, until darkness becomes all of me.
-Jonathan Hooper |